"Piece out our imperfections with your thoughts."

I've been reading my Shakespeare again lately and as I grow older I find myself more and more enjoying the histories, specifically Henry V. As a youth, I preferred the tragedies; Othello and Macbeth still hold a special allure for me. In fact it wasn't until college that I even started reading the histories, and that was mostly due to productions the school was doing of Richard III.

I like Henry V for the same reason most others do; the inspirational tones, the mounting suspense of battle, and the dance numbers. Ok I made that last part up, but still.

I like to draw parallels to my own life and often quote the play as the situation demands. Often I can be heard walking through the office exclaiming "Once more into the breach, dear friends..." But nothing inspires me against the overwhelming forces we all deal with every day like hearing or reading the famous St. Crispin's Day speech. The French outnumber the English 5 to 1, they are veteran troops and fresh, unlike Harry's bag of tired sore soldiers. No one would mock them if they just packed it up and came home, but the rallying cry of Henry steels his men and tempers that steel with swagger and off to win the Battle of Agincourt they go behind their inspiring leader.

WESTMORELAND. O that we now had here

But one ten thousand of those men in England
That do no work to-day!

KING. What's he that wishes so?
My cousin Westmoreland? No, my fair cousin;
If we are mark'd to die, we are enow
To do our country loss; and if to live,
The fewer men, the greater share of honour.
God's will! I pray thee, wish not one man more.
By Jove, I am not covetous for gold,
Nor care I who doth feed upon my cost;
It yearns me not if men my garments wear;
Such outward things dwell not in my desires.
But if it be a sin to covet honour,
I am the most offending soul alive.
No, faith, my coz, wish not a man from England.
God's peace! I would not lose so great an honour
As one man more methinks would share from me
For the best hope I have. O, do not wish one more!
Rather proclaim it, Westmoreland, through my host,
That he which hath no stomach to this fight,
Let him depart; his passport shall be made,
And crowns for convoy put into his purse;
We would not die in that man's company
That fears his fellowship to die with us.
This day is call'd the feast of Crispian.
He that outlives this day, and comes safe home,
Will stand a tip-toe when this day is nam'd,
And rouse him at the name of Crispian.
He that shall live this day, and see old age,
Will yearly on the vigil feast his neighbours,
And say 'To-morrow is Saint Crispian.'
Then will he strip his sleeve and show his scars,
And say 'These wounds I had on Crispian's day.'
Old men forget; yet all shall be forgot,
But he'll remember, with advantages,
What feats he did that day. Then shall our names,
Familiar in his mouth as household words-
Harry the King, Bedford and Exeter,
Warwick and Talbot, Salisbury and Gloucester-
Be in their flowing cups freshly rememb'red.
This story shall the good man teach his son;
And Crispin Crispian shall ne'er go by,
From this day to the ending of the world,
But we in it shall be remembered-
We few, we happy few, we band of brothers;
For he to-day that sheds his blood with me
Shall be my brother; be he ne'er so vile,
This day shall gentle his condition;
And gentlemen in England now-a-bed
Shall think themselves accurs'd they were not here,
And hold their manhoods cheap whiles any speaks
That fought with us upon Saint Crispin's day.

God Save the King.


(P.S. If you haven't seen Kenneth Branaugh's Henry V do yourself a favor and watch it immediately. The following is a scene from that film which has one of the greatest choral arrangements I have heard in a long time.)

Not quite ready for Sundance yet...

My brother is an amateur filmmaker and has done several small shorts featuring his children and friends. This latest one is a collaboration with me, and I had a hand in writing the script and contributing creative ideas. What do you think?

An Open Letter to the Burger King

Dear Burger King,

What the f, seriously? Please tell me who is responsible for the current advertising you have deemed appropriate enough to peddle to children your kids' meal. You know the one I'm talking about, in which the King is rapping with all the gusto of a strung out white boy, in front of some hoochies pop-locking with square asses. Aw hell, here, it's this one.



Some douche in your marketing department was sitting around, smoking up and watching Spongebob when he thought, "How can I combine the two things children love the most; sex and cartoons?" Well, mission accomplished. Never mind the fact that if children continually eat your greasy, cholesterol inventions, they will end up with butts more in line with Sir Mix-A-Lot's original song, namely "round and big."

Incidentally, I just love the fact that you had to make each one of your dancers a different race, so that she can appeal to a broader genre of future pole dancers. Hell, I'm almost sure in the still shot above that I can trace the outline of a vagina. Why give them shorts at all? Just have some naked bitches straddling the Burger King riding on his giant french fry and shouting "Buy our Kid's Meal! Get a free Dora the Explorer butt plug!"

Damn, now I've given you your next commercial.

Sincerely,
Millamber

The addiction of StumbleUpon

Oddly enough I found this blog ironically, while using StumbleUpon.


StumbleUpon has carried many web surfers deep in the night, into the wee hours of many mornings by offering a never ending stream of interesting randomness that is always just a click away.

It’s an adventure. Your clicks bring you to visuals and sounds you never would have expected to find on the internet. Before stumbling existed, web surfing consisted of search engines and links given to you on web forums or by friends on IM. Surfing used to be a mundane process where you knew what you were looking for and only needed to find a way to get to it.

Stumbling has brought us unseen destinations, exciting vistas of information and opinion and stupidity, the exotic dangers of a random NSFW page, and the mindless time wasting flash games we would never have found otherwise. StumbleUpon has given people a reason for being on the internet when they have nothing else to do but explore.

Parents have always told their children that it is best to take things in moderation, this also applies to the click of StumbleUpon. Most stumble addicts out there know who they are, and that’s a good first step. No more stumbling through papers and meals, no more stumbling until the crack of dawn scares you into your bed. We can enjoy StumbleUpon, but we must not abuse it. The world misses you, and we only want to see you again and we hope you are doing well.

It is the evolution of the web. We’ve moved past railways and roadways and are now flying through the internet, teleporting from destination to destination. There is a new world to explore, and its all at your fingertips, just one more click away…

But I liked hating that guy.

Well, crap. I had a passion that left me feeling good; hating those infomercial salesmen. First it was Billy Mays, who has made we sit bolt upright in bed in a hotel room on more than one occasion after falling asleep with the TV on. I pride myself in that I have never purchased a single item from Billy Mays or his Chuck Norris like beard, despite him shouting at me about how good OxiClean is. The best quote I have found yet: Washington Post staff writer Frank Ahrens called him "a full-volume pitchman, amped up like a candidate for a tranquilizer-gun takedown".

But, more recently, I have turned to hating Billy's douchebaggy replacement, Vince. Vince sells products like the ShamWoW! which after further inspection is not a Warcraft Shaman Powerlevelling service. Vince has a different approach then Billy, prefering more to stare wildly into the camera and not blink you into buying whatever he's peddling.

Turns out that the not blinking thing has a source. And after reading this article from Skepchick.com I have reluctantly had to shoulder the hate I have for these guys in order to fuel the other hate I have for the Church of Scientology.

Turns out Vince is a castaway from the CoS and is using the money he makes from selling his products into paying to fight the cult.

From the article,

He filed suit against them in 2004 for ruining his movie, his life, his business, and being dickholes. I couldn’t find any information on the outcome of this lawsuit, but according to ESPN, Vince is still fighting the good fight. And he is using every dime he makes from selling ShamWows and SlapChop as well as all the proceeds from Underground Comedy to fight them.

Taking on Scientology is one of the bravest things a former member can do. The Church doesn’t take kindly to dissent. Though they claim that fair game is no longer a Scientologist policy, there are plenty of stories to indicate that fair game is still alive and well, if technically “unofficial”.

Good luck Vince.

The most awesomest job in the world

OK, this guy has the best job perk I have ever read:

Surely the envy of any desk-bound office worker, Tommy Lynch has travelled over 27,000 miles this year, for his job testing holiday resort waterslides.

Mr Lynch, 29, works for holiday giant First Choice, checking the height, speed, water quantity and landing of the flumes, as well as all safety aspects.

He said: 'I do have the best job in the world. No-one believes me when I tell them what I do.

This guy flies all over the world and slides down waterslides for a living! I think the only guy that tops that is the guy who gets to body paint naked supermodels.

All I wanted to do was stay home this Christmas.

My wife has to work through most of the holidays as there is a show that opens the week of Christmas. So, I innocently suggested to my family relations that, since I live in Atlanta, my father and sister in Knoxville, and my mother and brother in Charlotte, that everyone could come to our house for Christmas dinner.

You'd have thought I'd invaded Poland.

Brother didn't want to spend the money on travel, then my mom had some other engagement and could we do it on the weekend, then ok brother and mom are going to carpool, but his ex-wife is supposed to have the kids that weekend, he'll have to swing something.

Then I get a phone call from my sister and she thinks that it will be awkward to have Mom and Dad in the same room, nevermind that they have been divorced for 15 years, and mom is calling her wondering if he's coming, but Dad has inventory at work that weekend, and O no I've gone cross-eyed.

I swear I'm the only stable person in my whole family.